Fork in the Road

Posted on | October 18, 2011 | Comments Off on Fork in the Road

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First of all, thank you all for your sweet messages and emails on my birthday.  I appreciated them- especially since it was a big one for me. 

You may have noticed that I have not blogged as much as usual, of if I have, it was a story about my family.  I have hit “the fork in the road” when it comes to my blog.

My job is not horrible.  Funny things happen, but I don’t deal with crazy people, the brokers that I share the office space with are awesome, and my boss is really super cool.  I am not stressed out, and once I leave for the day I don’t think about work until the next day.  I honestly have not been this happy with a job in YEARS.

So- my dilemma?  My blog.  The funny stories are there, but they are random and not like they used to be on a daily basis.  I don’t want to keep blogging about my family because I might as well rename the blog Teenage Hell…

So, dear readers, I am standing, looking at the giant fork in the road, and wondering what to do.  Keep blogging?  Stop and hand the torch to someone else?  I don’t know…


Happy Birthday to Me!

Posted on | October 13, 2011 | Comments Off on Happy Birthday to Me!


It’s my birthday and I’ll do what I want to
Fuck you it’s my birthday.
A special holiday only for me, so do what I say,
it’s my party, I’ll make you cry if I want to…or leave.
Fuck you, it’s not your birthday, so do what I say.

For 24 hours your wishing me well
364 days I’m in hell, Oh well.
Happy Birthday to me.

alone on my Birthday,
I’m going to Denny’s 10 times today
No Tip! it’s my birthday, so do what I say…..

Yep, it’s my birthday, dear readers.  The big 4-0.  Yippee?


Picnic In The Park

Posted on | October 11, 2011 | Comments Off on Picnic In The Park

So, I am pretty sure my oldest will be getting a scholarship to MIT, Harvard or Yale.  Other teenagers seem to live in their own bubble, but not my oldest.  Nope, the boy is on top of things.

Last  week we had to attend Picnic in the Park, which was a major grade in his Orchestra class.  The family was looking forward to it and we made sure that we cleared our schedules to get there on time, etc.

The night of the concert, I rushed home to help HSF make picnic food, get the blankets, drinks, etc.  We thought about putting some wine in some water bottles, but decided not to look like winos in front of the school.  Hard decision, but we did it!

So, we have everything ready to go.  I am yelling at the three kids to get their shoes on and we are walking out the door, when I notice my genius son forgot to get his Viola for the concert.  I tell him to run upstairs and grab it so we won’t be late.

A look of sheer panic overcomes him.  I already know what he is about to say and have to place myself between the car and my son so that I don’t do anything I may regret, like choke the crap out of him.

“Mom, I can’t believe it.  I forgot my Viola at school.”

Yes, the child KNEW he had a concert that night, but forgot to bring the freaking instrument he was going to play and left it at school.  I wanted to kill him.

Luckily, his younger brother has a smaller Viola, and he had to play that the night of the picnic.  He was not very happy, playing his brother’s Viola, but I told him if I heard one negative thing come out of his mouth, that I would personally shove the bow up his nose.  He was quiet after that.

So, I am sure MIT will be knocking down our door any minute for a full scholarship.  His responsibility and maturity almost brings me to tears (and not in a good way).

We should have brought the wine after all….











What the What??

Posted on | October 4, 2011 | Comments Off on What the What??

So, my attorney and I meet with a woman this morning who needed to sign some documents to give her mineral rights away.  She is about 35, brunette, dressed well and was really nice.  I noticed that she was flirting VERY heavily with my attorney.

I don’t know if I have talked about the attorney I work for yet.  He is young (28), just came out of law school, and is rather handsome.  NOT HSF handsome, but he turns heads when we grab lunch.  He is not only handsome, but very easy to talk to.  He is single and dates, but NEVER clients.  He is big on that rule.

Anyway, the lady is flirting big time with him and he is as professional as ever.  I swear, the lady even dropped her pen on purpose, and picked it up by turning around so he could get a good look at her butt.  He didn’t- he looked at me and rolled his eyes.  He is so awesome. 

She took up an extra 20 minutes of his time by asking stupid questions, just to keep talking to him.  He had enough and tried to usher her out the door, but she said she had a few more questions, so he gave her to me.  Thanks a lot :)

We sat back down in the conference room and she asked if my boss was single.  I stated that he was, but he has a policy that he does not date clients.  Then, I swear I am not making this up, she said “Well, what if we sweeten the deal?”  I asked her what she meant and she said, “Well, you are very hot and so is your boss.  I would like to sample you both at the same time.”.

Uhh… thanks.  I had no idea what to say! 

She got up from the table, gave me her card and told me to give her a call when I can arrange our “playdate.”

When she left, I ran into my attorney’s office and told him the story.  He laughed so hard that couldn’t breathe.  Then, when he could talk again, he said the most awesome thing… “If she calls back, tell her we can’t sleep with her.  We are both insomniacs.”


Ten Reasons Parenting Sucks

Posted on | October 1, 2011 | Comments Off on Ten Reasons Parenting Sucks

1. Screaming at my two boys to take a damn shower every night.  Why is cleanliness so hard?  I actually have to say “Go take a shower, use soap on your body and make sure you use shampoo on your hair and wash it out.”  Why?  If I don’t, they jump in for ten seconds and then get out. They are the master of loopholes.
2. Why, yes, I DO want to sit around and drink/read trashy tabloids all day. But I can’t. I have to say no. I have to encourage things like sports, reading, and playing outside, which ends up in a fight with two surly boys and one happy girl excited about actually leaving the house.  You can imagine what the car ride is like.
3. I have to provide food three times a day for children who, honestly, most of the time refuse to eat it. My rule is that I am NOT a short order cook.  You eat what is on the table, or you go to bed hungry. My middle child goes to bed hungry a lot, while stating that I am the meanest mom ever.  The gratitude makes you tear up, doesn’t it?
4.When you have a four year old,  for your own sanity, sometimes you have to stack the deck so you lose Candy Land on purpose. And that doesn’t even address the fact that you have to play Candy Land in the first place. Because Candy Land? Can suck it.
5. Even if I didn’t make the mess, I have to make sure it gets cleaned up.
6. Homework. I believe that it is harder to MAKE a child do homework than it is for them to actually DO the homework.
7. It is soul crushing to pour your lifeblood into your children only to have them turn around and say “You hate me!” because you make them (insert anything here). Also unpleasant is hearing them say, “I hate you!” because you accidentally threw out the scrap of paper that had some very important bullshit doodle on it.
8. At my boys age, getting a voice mail from their teacher is NEVER a good thing.  I promise you, they are not calling to tell me what a delight my children are and could we donate them to science to clone them.
 9. You have to teach kids everything. All the time.  This never goes away. My teenager still has not grasped what napkins are for. And have you ever tried teaching a child to use any kind of manners? If you can get your children to actually say “thank you” with out you prompting them with ” what do you say?”, then you are the an awesome parent.  Kudos to you and your awesome children.  You suck.
10. They know the answer to everything, unless it is something simple, such as, “Did you finish your homework?’ or “Where are your damn shoes, we are leaving in five minutes.”  Then they look at you like you just spoke Latin and walk away without an answer.
Mother of the Year…

Help Out A Teacher

Posted on | September 27, 2011 | Comments Off on Help Out A Teacher


When I taught school, most of my salary went to supplies, needed library books, etc.  We were not allowed to ask for donations from the parents and I was broke.

I wish this website was around when I was teaching.  Check it out

How it Works
  • 1. You give to a classroom project.
  • 2. We deliver the materials to the class.
  • 3. Kids learn and show it in photos and thank-you notes. is an online charity that makes it easy for anyone to help students in need.

Here’s how it works: public school teachers from every corner of America post classroom project requests on Requests range from pencils for a poetry writing unit, to violins for a school recital, to microscope slides for a biology class.

Then, you can browse project requests and give any amount to the one that inspires you. Once a project reaches its funding goal, we deliver the materials to the school.

You’ll get photos of your project taking place, a thank-you letter from the teacher, and a cost report showing how each dollar was spent. If you give over $100, you’ll also receive hand-written thank-you letters from the students.

At, you can give as little as $1 and get the same level of choice, transparency, and feedback that is traditionally reserved for someone who gives millions.We call it citizen philanthropy.

This is a great idea.  You can even put in your zip code, look at the schools in your area and see what they are in need of.

Check it out.  Even a dollar towards a teachers project goes a long way!


Quick Update

Posted on | September 25, 2011 | Comments Off on Quick Update

Yes, I am still alive, although my teenager may kill me soon.  We had some major teenage drama Friday night, but I will save that because it is good enough for its own post.

The job is awesome.  I really have no complaints.  My attorney is super sweet and has already given my a bottle of wine, a pink stapler and a gift card to a local shoe store to show his appreciation.  He is only in M,  W and Fridays, so I catch him up with what needs to be done ASAP, what I have already done that didn’t need his approval and projects coming up.  

Oh- there are some quirky people I work with, but compared to the Death Star, this is freaking heaven.

Since my oldest is acting like an ass and I am super busy at the new job, I have not had the time to post as often as I used to.

I will be back to my old posting habits soon, just have patience while I am still new to my job!

Also, give me strength NOT to kill my oldest.


Give Me Strength

Posted on | September 13, 2011 | Comments Off on Give Me Strength












Holy Motherf###ing shit!

I have a  wonderful, handsome fourteen year old son. He is absolutely the coolest kid in school. Don’t believe me?  Just ask him!

Somehow, and I am not sure when this happened, he woke up and now  knows everything in life.  Everyone else is so freaking stupid.  Me, HSF, his father, his teachers, everyone, except his equally cool friends.

I wish I actually knew when this took place because I would love to throw a “My son knows everything” party!  Of course, that would be totally stupid and neither he or his cool friends would come to such a lame ass party.

I have three children and this is the first of my “teenage years”.  I am trying not to kill him, but every time he rolls his eyes at me, I want to start carving his headstone- Here lies PH’s teenage son, who rolled his eyes at his mother for the last time.

He fancies himself a computer expert, and honestly, he is.  Not on par with HSF, but he has been kicked off of X-box several times for creating” software” and giving it to gamers that has cheat codes for games they play.  He also “jailbreaks” his friends cell phones at school for $5.00 a pop.  Don’t ask me what the hell that means, but HSF said the Feds wouldn’t be knocking our door down, so whatever…

My teenager loves his technology…

So, I don’t know about you and your family, but the ONLY way to get my son’s attention is to take his cell phone out of his hand, his I-pod ear-buds out of his ears and stand in front of his tv while he is playing X-Box.  He LOVES it when I do that and our conversations are so riveting.  For example..

Me, ripping everything out and standing in front of the tv, “Have you done your homework?”

Him: “MOM!  GOD! I am in the middle of a match.”

Me: “I don’t care.  Let me see your homework.”

Him: “Mom, I did it.”

Me: “Then let me see it.”

Him:  Talking on his headset to his cool friends- “Guys, I’ll be right back, my mom is treating me like I am five, and I have to show her my homework.”   Hands me his homework… “See, can I get back to my game now?”  “GOD- I hate it when you do that in front of my friends.  You are so embarrassing.”

Me: “Asking to see your home work is embarrassing?  Are you serious?”

We have this conversation every night.  Tonight I was sick of it.  Tonight I just walked in, took off his headset, put it on, and started talking to his friends.  I told him that my son was gone for the moment looking for his homework to show me and then starting asking them all kinds of questions- What’s your favorite game?  Who had girlfriends and what were their names, and if they liked Justin Bieber.  Now, the teenager’s were cracking up with me, but my son was horrified.  I mean, standing there, open mouthed, wide eyed, actually speechless, horrified.  At the sound of the name Justin Bieber, he ran like his ass was on fire, showed me his homework and pleaded with me to give him the headset back.

I told him that if he gave me any more attitude about his homework again, I would make my headset hijacking a nightly ritual, to which he promised that he would NEVER give me homework attitude again.

I love my son and I am thankful he is cute, because that is what is keeping him alive right now.

BTW- his friends thought I was hilarious and begged him to let them talk to me some more.  He did have to own up to the fact that his mom was funny sometimes.  HA!

I can’t wait till my four year old daughter is a teen!  That should be loads of fun!


Work and Passion?

Posted on | September 5, 2011 | 6 Comments

HSF and I have been talking a lot about work and passion. HSF is, what I think, one of a handful of people who actually has a passion for his work. He loves his work, never dreads going to the office, and is always excited about new projects, etc. they hand him.

HSF asked me the other day that if I had a passion for my job. That really made me think. Do I? Do I have a passion for being a paralegal? Yes, I like the law and yes, I like what I do most days, but am I passionate about it? Do I wake up with a smile on my face because I get to go into the office to look over a mortgage lease? The answer is no. No, I am not passionate about my job.

Let’s break the word “passion” down, because yes, you can like your job or even love your job, but there is a difference about being passionate about your job.

* Passion is not talent.
* Passion is not knowing a lot about a topic.
* Passion is not masterful performance of a task.
* Passion is not being hailed as an expert.
* Passion is not having a lot of experience doing something.
* Passion is not the skill you’ve gotten really good at in your current job.

Passion is about the enthusiasm you have for something. It’s the thing you get energized just thinking about. It’s the topic you never get tired of learning about. It’s what you never get tired of talking about. It’s where your creativity soars. It’s being in that zone where you forget time, space and even hunger because you are so engaged in what you are doing.

HSF has all the passion that I just described for his job and I am envious. To actually work in a field that you are passionate about is rare. Very rare.

What is my passion? Dance. Specifically, ballet. I danced in New York with a reputable company and was the happiest I have ever been when dancing. I danced on broken toes, I danced till bruises covered my body and my toe shoes were bloody and broken, just like me, at the end of the performance, but I couldn’t imagine doing anything else. It was my passion.

My Achilles snapped one day during rehearsal, and even with surgery and rehab, my dancing on pointe was never the same, and my dancing days, my passion, ended.

I would like to think that if I didn’t have that injury, that I would still be dancing somewhere. Maybe even have my own ballet academy where I could still work with my passion.

BUT, I also think that things do happen for a reason. If I didn’t snap my Achilles, I wouldn’t have left New York, I wouldn’t have met my ex-husband and had my two sons, I wouldn’t have met HSF and had my beautiful family.

My passion will always be dance, but I am happy with where I am.

What is your passion, dear readers?


Labor Day- PH Style

Posted on | September 2, 2011 | 2 Comments







Hey, let’s be honest. Labor Day is not really a holiday. It’s just an excuse to have a Mattress sale, but I am not turning my nose up at it.  Hell no.  I’ll take off any day they give me.  Seriously, if there was You are a total bitch holiday, I would take it gladly.

My favorite part of Labor Day is the telethon.  Of course, you have to make it a drinking game for it to be enjoyable.  Apparently, Jerry won’t be hosting it this year, but that doesn’t mean we have to stop our annual tradition at our house.

So, Drink if…

1. A celebrity that has not done anything for the last ten years shows up and performs (ex. Glen Campbell, Wayne Newton, etc.)

2. The 1-800-FightMD phone number is given.

3.  Any joke made that nobody laughs at.

4. When a phone operator is interviewed and begs for calls.

5.   A juggler or magician performs.

6.  If anyone utters the phrase “Jerry’s Kids”

7. Anyone from a “hit” Broadway musical comes on.

8. When anyone gives the host a check.

9. When a heart-wrenching video clip is shown.

and finally..

10. Whenever someone says “Tympani!”

Happy Labor Day!



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