Classless Hooker (or my Pretty Woman review)

Posted on | November 17, 2011 | Comments Off on Classless Hooker (or my Pretty Woman review)

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So, dear readers.  I lost a bet.  Yep.  I was so sure that I was right about a trivia fact, that I bet my good friend that if I was wrong that I would watch Pretty Woman again and blog about it.  I bet my friend that Brad Pitt’s first movie role was in Thelma and Louise, when in fact it was The Dark Side of the Sun.  Damn you Pitt!!!

As awful as the punishment was, I am true to my word and do not go back on a bet.  I had HSF download the movie, and made sure I had plenty of vodka and a trashbag (to vomit in), plus gave my family a heads up to tread lightly while I was watching the “movie” because my eyes might roll out of my head and I didn’t want kids to step on them.

With that being said, here is my review.  I hope you are happy with yourself  Heather!

Julia Roberts is a classless whore who gets lucky by bedding a millionaire should have been the title of Pretty Woman.  It is much catchier and more realistic.

In what is the most ridiculous movie in a decade, a businessman hires a Hollywood Boulevard hooker (renowned for their trashiness,  uncleanliness, and, most notably, their small dicks) who falls in love with him. Does it occur to anyone how freaking EASY it is to “fall in love” with a billionaire (who looks like Richard Gere) who keeps buying you things?  I am pretty sure that is why Paris Hilton’s stupid lap dogs don’t bite off her face.  It’s all about the Benjamins…

Richard Gere get the horrible job of playing aside horseface as the heartless Edward, a businessman whose job involves “screwing people for money,” so finds a kinship with prostitute Vivian (horseface) who does it literally. But I still don’t get the title: PRETTY WOMAN.???  Maybe I missed a memo, but are they referring to…? No! They don’t mean Horseface, do they???– HA!  Excuse the vodka shooting outta my nose, but is that meant to be ironic, like “Have A Nice Day,” or just an outright lie, like “One Size Fits All”?  I mean, look at what she really looks like in the picture at the top of the page.  Good lord.

Edward hires the prostitute Vivian for one week , after which he wants to make her a Kept Woman, setting her up in an apartment and seeing to all her needs ( giant sized toothbrushes and a year supply to Mane and Tail shampoo), but Vivian wants more. Of course she does.  She want his heart and soul as well as his wallet. Oh yes, dear readers.  She wants his money. Put it this way: if Edward just offered his heart WITHOUT THE MONEY, would she take it? Would she stop hooking for him because he declared his pure love for her – but wouldn’t spend a dime more on her? Even though not spending a dime more would truly make Vivian ‘Not A Hooker’ anymore (which is what she seems to be aspiring towards), she would never in a billion years accept this condition after the luxuries she was exposed to. Is the hypocrisy starting to seep into your heads now?

Edward grows in the “movie” from being a heartless bitch, brutally carving up companies in hostile takeovers, to helping a company that he should be hostilely taking over. I guess this makes him a good guy, as he goes OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN in the final scene to sweep Vivian off her feet. GAG! Look at the hypocrisy( see a common theme in this movie?) in rooting for this souless man who doesn’t produce anything, doesn’t create anything, or has no tangible or useful product to offer – he didn’t NEED to smash that last client to secure his future, he’s already a billionaire. You know what would make a better impression? If he gave away ALL of the money he made destroying other businesses. THAT would make him a “good” person… But, we can’t have that in the “movie” because then horseface wouldn’t want to be with the broke idiot because he couldn’t buy her shoes and yearly tests for STD’s.

Another thing about this “movie” that drives me crazy is this..does it cross people’s minds that maybe Vivian is turning into a cultured debutante BECAUSE it is a rich, hot man buying her everything her horseface desires? What if her john was a balding, fat, ugly Jason Alexander, who still loved her as much as Edward claims to? Jason Alexander, by the way, happens to play Edward’s attorney in this “movie”  Though he’s rich, he is an attorney, so when he tries to hire Vivian (while she is living the fantasy lie that she is Edward’s love) she  turns him down. Let me clarify to “romantics” out there who are also living a fantasy lie, pretending you know nothing about this prostitute business: Vivian turns Alexander down NOT through any moral code, but because she would much rather get paid and laid by someone like Edward. She fools herself – and the viewer- into thinking it is because she “loves” Edward that she doesn’t want to “cheat” on him – but come on! If I have to spell out everything again about the ease of “falling in love” with a billionaire, we’ll be here for days.

The original ending to this movie was that at the end of the week, Edward takes Vivian to the corner where he picked her up, kicks her out of the car and throws the money at her.  The closing shot is Vivian crying while picking up all the money on the street.  Gary Marshall took that out after idiot screeners wanted the typical “Hollywood” ending for this couple.  Obviously, he made the right choice because this is probably one of the top ten chic flick of all time, but damn, I wish it had that ending instead.

God, that was painful to watch.  Thank God for vodka.

PH

 

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