Losing Friends Hurts Like Hell

Posted on | August 23, 2011 | 13 Comments

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It’s devastating to learn that some of your friends no longer want to be a part of your life, no matter what the reason. But especially, when that reason has not been made clear.

I have always taken my friendships very seriously. Very. Seriously.

Indeed it is rare to find true friends that love you and accept you for all that you are and love you and accept you for all that you are not.

I guess that’s why it hurts so much when they are gone.

A true friend can know you better than you know yourself. A true friend is always forgiving and honest. A true friend can also see you for all you are worth even when you can’t see it in yourself. They are there for the good times, and there for the bad,they even call you out on your shit.

I hate to sound cliche but, “The Harder The Truth To Tell, The Truer The Friend That Tells It.” My closest friends, the ones I trust the most, would never let me leave the house in an outfit that isn’t flattering, and always tell me when I need a breath mint. They tell me when I am great and they certainly tell me when I am an asshole.

I think you are lucky if you find just ONE friend like that in this world.

Alas, I am writing this post with tears falling from my eyes and a very heavy heart. It seems that some of my truly valued friendships has come to an untimely and unexplained end.  It has not been the same since I became divorced, but now, all ties are cut, and I don’t know why.

Many people expect that their friends will always be there. They expect friendship to last forever. Yet, I understand that friendships end and friends part company everyday. I know it is unfortunate, even the best maintained friendships can end. Many end because of a change in personality or lifestyle. Sometimes friends just drift apart and fade away with time. There is a retreat from self-disclosure and seeking out each other’s company. Avoidance begins. The friendship slowly loses importance and finally disappears.

I get that.

But here is what I don’t get. Usually, I can pin point the reason or circumstance as to the: when, where, what, why, and how the relationship was terminated. However, in this particular case, with these particular friends, I don’t know what was/is the cause that has led to the sudden demise of our friendship.

I believe that it is very important to hold myself accountable for my actions and to take full responsibility when I am in the wrong. So, for the last two weeks I have been making myself crazy. I have been analyzing every word and every action, while replaying every single conversation, and every single moment in time we spent together over the last 7 years, in my head. After much thought and scrutiny I am still left wondering what I may have said or done that drove my friends out of my life?

I don’t usually have this much trouble letting go of a friendship. Shit, I have cut people out of my life that I felt were toxic for me, and I never gave them a second thought. But at least I had the decency to give them the courtesy of a phone call, or to write them a good bye letter, giving an explanation as to WHY I would no longer be a participating member of the relationship.

These former friends, the ones who extended their hands in friendship, only to take it away, without warning or notice have been such an important role in my life that I am unable to walk away as easily.  I know that I can not make someone stay friends with me, and I will respect their wishes.  I just wish it didn’t hurt this bad.

I know I have other people I can lean on. I know that I am blessed with HSF  and Mrs. Paralegal, and Janna who I can turn to.

But I miss them. A lot.

And, this…hurts.

I am trying to hold on to the fact that people will come in and out of my life for a various reason. Some are meant to stay forever. Others are here only temporarily to teach me a valuable lesson or to help me through something. Maybe  they were in my life to teach me and that lesson has been learned and our time together is simply over.

Yet I still have no closure. And no answers. Maybe I never will. I guess it is important for me to grieve and feel the pain fully. Then maybe I can move on to enhance another friendship or build entirely new friendships.

But it is going to take some time to get used to this new empty place in my life that was once filled with their happy, smiling, faces and all the good times we had.


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13 Responses to “Losing Friends Hurts Like Hell”

  1. The Exortionist
    August 23rd, 2011 @ 7:55 pm

    Your timing is so odd!  I lost what I thought was a friend but had another friend do me a life-changing forever in your debt kind of favor and completely unexpectedly at that! 

    It hurts.  But better to be able to feel hurt when something such as the betrayal of false friends is supposed to than be numb.

    I know that probably didn’t exactly HELP but I know you’ll find more wonderful people to pepper your life.

  2. SC Paralegal
    August 26th, 2011 @ 3:48 pm

    You said you are divorced, are all you friends married?  That is what is happening to me.  I have been divorced for a long time and my married friends have basically stopped asking me to do things with them, so I am now forced to find new friendships.   Ironically some new friends of mine are married and ask me to do things with them.  

  3. Paralegal
    August 30th, 2011 @ 10:07 pm

    Who knows why they ended the friendship. I am trying to make peace with it, bit spent so many years with them it is hard to let go.

  4. Tbell
    August 23rd, 2011 @ 8:37 pm

    Sorry for the loss. I completely understand your pain and can say I’ve been there before. The pain will slowly pass. Hang in there!

  5. Rapidgourmet
    August 23rd, 2011 @ 10:01 pm

    My “best” friendship recently fell apart and it sucks!  I hear you. 

  6. Momalegal
    August 24th, 2011 @ 11:26 am

    Lots of hugs to you – it sucks. 

  7. Aimtx
    August 24th, 2011 @ 12:49 pm

    I’m so sorry, dear, truly.  Marginally sorry for them at not having enough sense to keep you in their lives, but mostly sorry for your unhappiness.  Sending you a virtual martini and a hug.

  8. Rachelle
    August 24th, 2011 @ 1:07 pm

    I am so sorry, I know it hurts.  But I wouldn’t put it on yourself as the cause.  You said you were going through the last 7 years in your head, and it probably isn’t anything you said or did.  It might be something they are going through, a stage in their life.  It sounds to me like you are a really good friend, and I’m sure anyone would consider themselves lucky to have you as a friend. 

  9. Paralegal
    August 24th, 2011 @ 10:35 pm

    Thank you all for your responses. I am better, was just in a funk today.
    Seriously, thank you for all of your responses, your emails and just reading my blog.
    I honestly have the best readers ever!

  10. Fbradley
    August 25th, 2011 @ 12:26 pm

    I had a co-worker/friend just stop talking to me last October.  I’d say good morning & she would either grunt at me or not say anything at all.  She told our office manager last week that I should know what I did or said to offend her.  I’m clueless.  Are you sure you aren’t in NC?

  11. Paralegal
    August 25th, 2011 @ 1:24 pm

    Yep! Not in NC :)

  12. Gracie_lieu
    August 25th, 2011 @ 3:15 pm

    Fbradley – I had the same thing happen to me five years ago, with a fellow paralegal in my office.  At the time it was three months after Katrina hit and I just though we were on edge about rebuilding our lives, home and city.  I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what the hell it was that I did.  I even appoligized!  Nothing helped.  Eventually I figured out that the partner I worked for, had told her a bunch of lies.  He didn’t want us having personal lives or friends in the office.  None of it was true, but she didn’t care.  She never believed me and our friendship was over.  I was so hurt and grieved for a long time.  I left that job four months later for bigger and better things.  But I also repeated to my self, a million times a day, something my mom used to tell me.  She would say “what is so easily lost, it not worth having”.  A true friend would tell you what you did.  The friend that won’t tell you, is not a true friend!!!!!  I hope it gets better for you!

  13. Immigration Paralegal
    September 5th, 2011 @ 1:40 pm

    PH – Sorry to hear about your lost friendship. You sound a lot like me as far as what I consider a friend and what I put into a friendship.

    Most of my friends are fellow paralegals that I met through MPA. They will tell me when I’m being a jerk & when I’m being a hero. It is going to be more challenging since I finally got a full-time job in another county & time zone.

    I know you will find the right “friend” in the near future. True friends don’t just “blow you off” without a reason. The “friend facade” has shown it’s ugly face & it hurts to realize they weren’t truly your friend.

    Hang in there & good luck in your new job and new life!

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