Required Paperwork

Posted on | July 22, 2011 | 10 Comments

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So, on my last day on the Death Star, I was pulled into HR and asked to fill out some final paperwork in order to end the reign of terror.

The last page was how my experience was working for the Death Star and that my responses would be sent to the proper people and my feedback will be appreciated and taken seriously.  Really?   How exciting! I got a new pen( because I had a lot of shit to write) and got down to business.

Here is what I wrote.  No- this is not made up, but I did not use Death Star or Storm troopers in my “feedback”.  I am only using it here for my blog.

 

While working as a Storm Trooper on the Death Star, I have realized MANY things, however, none of them are positive.

For example, I realized that being on time for our job is not really company policy.  It is strictly enforced for the “lesser” Storm Troopers and merely a suggestion for the Storm Troopers you seem to favor that month.  I have seen managers re-adjust time clocks for the favored Storm Troopers who constantly arrived an hour late, but would not readjust the almighty time clock for a lesser Storm Trooper who arrived 5 minutes late.

Much like the punctuality example above, I realized that the Dress Code Policy on the Death Star is also a ridiculous way to humiliate the lesser Storm Troopers who were usually sent home, even though they were dressed in their mandatory professional uniform while the favorites of the month got to walk around all day in mini skirts, tank tops and high heels.  Maybe I read the Dress Code Policy wrong and the Death Star’s idea of dressing professional is looking like a Five Dollar Hooker, strung out on crack.  My bad. I should have read that policy more in depth.

I could go on and on about how much I hate the Death Star, it’s Admirals, it’s stupid interns, it’s meetings and it’s tacky carpet that should have been replaced ten years ago, but I know after you read this, it will go directly into the trash, not to the proper people who will take my feedback seriously, so, let’s wrap this charade up, shall we?

I am thrilled to be leaving the Death Star.  I have never before worked for a firm where I would wake up every morning in hopes that myself or one of my children had a raging case of measles, or has made me RUN to the mailbox every day after work in hopes of finding a letter summoning me to jury duty.

I do not intend to use the Death Star as a referral for any future job opportunities, but, as you are aware, it is illegal to give me a bad reference.  The most you can say is “not hire-able” without any other follow-up to that statement.  I will have my friends and family randomly call Human Resources over the next year to keep you honest, since I know how challenging that concept can be on the Death Star.

Much Love,

PH

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Comments

10 Responses to “Required Paperwork”

  1. Corporate Paralegal
    July 22nd, 2011 @ 1:24 pm

    This is, by far, one of the best resignation/leaving reviews I have ever read.  Of course, you know that they will simply chalk your comments up to drunken rambling hormones of a pregnant woman who must get married or move to Sweden with her fiance.

  2. Grumpy Humbug
    July 22nd, 2011 @ 3:25 pm

    The only thing I could add is to say “Winning!” at the end.

  3. Paralegal
    July 22nd, 2011 @ 3:37 pm

    Damn! That would have been greatness :)

  4. Momalegal
    July 22nd, 2011 @ 5:16 pm

    This is full of all kinds of awesome!  OMG, “Winning” at the end would have been hysterical!   Congrats on escaping from the Death Star, PH!

  5. Anon E. Mouse
    July 22nd, 2011 @ 6:48 pm

    I think the only thing better would have been to include a picture of the infamous “Storm Trooper on a toilet” cake.

  6. Anonymous
    July 22nd, 2011 @ 7:27 pm

    Fan-freakin-tastic!!!!  I wish I could see the faces of the HR peeps that get to read it… 

  7. Ty1220
    July 22nd, 2011 @ 8:45 pm

    Good for you PH. I want to wish you the best on the job hunting and with everything. The Death Star sounds like such a soul draining place to have to be every day, good on you for getting the hell out of there.

  8. VCaturla
    July 23rd, 2011 @ 6:31 pm

    When I left my previous job, I was not given the opportunity to state the reasons why I was leaving. I think you pretty much summed up my experience at that firm. The only thing different was we were not the Death Star but just a Starship who answered to the Death Star. To this day, I doubt the Emperor had a clue why they couldn’t keep anyone of quality at the Starship.

    I wish you well on your departure to Sweden after ICE has deported you.

    May one inquire if you will keep the Blog going? I, for one, will miss your warped humor and inuendos.

    Long live the Republic and may the Force be with you.

  9. Paralegal
    July 25th, 2011 @ 1:50 am

    Nope, I am sticking around. The blog isn’t going anywhere :)

  10. Superlegal
    July 30th, 2011 @ 2:32 pm

    Wow, PH, pissing off a red head IS a bad idea! I am so happy you wrote that. Good for you. Maybe I can start drafting my own… you have such great ideas!

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