Breaking The Code

Posted on | May 17, 2011 | 5 Comments

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Here is a handy cheat sheet for all my lovely clients that call and act like assholes.

When I say: Can I put you on hold for a minute? I need to look something up.
What I mean: I’m going to go to the bathroom and then grab a cup of coffee. I’m hoping you’ll have hung up by the time I get back.

When I say: Oh, that’s okay, sir, don’t worry about it. A lot of people can’t remember their if they have paid their property taxes for the last five years.
What I mean: You shouldn’t be allowed to breed, you dumb ass.

When I say: You want to talk to the attorney? Sure, I’ll put you right through.
What I mean: And he’ll tell you the exact same thing I just did, jackass. Just because you didn’t like what I told you, doesn’t mean it’s not true.

When I say: I’m sorry, ma’am, but I’m having trouble understanding what you’re saying.
What I mean: For the love of God, could you PLEASE stop eating the bag of Doritos’s while you are talking to me?

When I say: If you use profanity again, sir, I will disconnect this call.
What I mean: And because I have your name and address, I’ll sign you up for a lifetime subscription to the raunchiest  porn magazine I can find.

When I say: It appears that the our firm  is investigating you  for some fraudulent charges.
What I mean: Duuuude, you are so SCREWED!

And finally:

When I say: Thanks for calling us today, and feel free to call back if you need more assistance.
What I mean: You have wasted fifteen minutes of my life with your shit, and I can only pray that somehow one of the attorneys will have to deal with you next time.


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5 Responses to “Breaking The Code”

  1. Buffy Bergstrom
    May 17th, 2011 @ 2:34 pm

    LOL!!! This post cracked me up and its the truth!!! :)  

  2. Fort Worth 8L
    May 17th, 2011 @ 5:43 pm

    When I say: I’m sorry, ma’am, but I’m having trouble understanding what you’re saying.
    What I mean: Your cell phone has such lousy reception I can’t tell if you are even still on the line.  Go inside, sit still and call me.  It might be pretty out, but if I can’t be outside, I don’t want to hear the airplane and wind noise on your phone obscuring what you are saying. 

  3. Lost Paralegal
    May 18th, 2011 @ 5:44 am

    I have one…needy client.

    Who wraps up every phone call with ‘How are we doing?”

    The answer I give is universally, “We’re doing great”.


    Did I mention this client (or his friend) calls every other day or so, even when nothing is happening?

  4. Paralegal
    May 19th, 2011 @ 1:30 am

    Just one? I envy you 😉

  5. Realestdudeintheroom
    May 19th, 2011 @ 5:39 pm

    I’m not a paralegal. I’m a tech in a maintenance center for a large, 3 initialed, telecommunications provider.  I spend all day on the phone.  Safe to say, I no longer like humanity thanks to the morons on the other end of my phone. 

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