Tips When Visiting New York

Posted on | February 17, 2011 | 12 Comments

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I can’t tell you how many emails I have had that have asked me for tips about New York if they decide to vacation/visit there.

Here is my list of tips.
#1 Don’t Come To New York City
Don’t come to New York. Seriously, there are so many other places to visit.  I hear Portland is lovely.

#2 If You Must Come, Bring One Million Dollars
You’ll need a lot of money if you want to visit New York — one million dollars will start you off pretty well. The odd thing is, I have absolutely no idea why. Everything is expensive, true. But why it costs more is beyond me. It certainly isn’t the quality level. Sometimes I think people in New York simply pay for the thrill of living in a big city. It’s similar to if NASA opened up a theme park and charged people for the chance to experience what it would be like to live on the moon. New Yorkers are being charged for the chance to experience what it would be like to live in New York. There’s no other explanation.

#3 Always Walk Around Like You’re Looking For Your Next Victim
When you walk the streets of this city, you need to look like you may snap at any moment. Crazy people come in all kinds, and you never know who is a psycho and who isn’t. The crazies don’t seem to bother other crazies. So, get crazy.

#4 Get Used To “Atmosphere” Restaurants
Atmosphere restaurants are restaurants whereby you pay money for really no services rendered at all. New York isn’t the cleanest place and so these restaurants need something going for them. It’s called “imaginary cool restaurant.” Often the food isn’t that great, but it’s the atmosphere you’re there for. Basically, you’re paying more to feel like the restaurant you’re eating at is much more important than it probably is. For instance, this blog is free, but if I charged you ten dollars to view it, and got a bunch of initial suckers — wait, I shouldn’t call them suckers… no, suckers works fine — to pay for it, then people would start saying, “Hey, this blog isn’t free, but it’s pretty popular, so it must be worth it. I’m in.” Then, regardless of how blatantly clear it is that this blog sucks, you would still think it’s cool, because everyone else does.

#5 Don’t Go To The Empire State Building
It costs about fifteen dollars to go to the observation deck. I went with a friend and we waited approximately three hours to get to the top. Yes, it is very tall. But, honestly, this is why we invented cameras and pictures. One person takes one for the team, goes to the top of the building. That person takes a picture. That person comes back down the building and shows the picture to other people, who then do not have to go to the top. Trust me, it’s solid logic.

#6 Seriously, The Empire State Building Isn’t Worth It

#7 Don’t Walk In The City Unless You Are The Flash
If you aren’t DC superhero The Flash, don’t walk around in Manhattan. Because even The Flash, with his incredible speed, will get dirty looks and annoyed sighs from New Yorkers for not walking as fast as he should be.

#8 Disposing Of Trash
If you acquire garbage while touring the city, don’t worry about it. Just do what everyone else seems to do; toss it off the platform and onto the tracks of a subway station.

#9 Don’t Go To Subway Stations
Just buy a rickshaw. Did you see that episode of Seinfeld? That was a good one.

#10 Taxi Drivers
Every language has a word for “nutcase,” and if you take cabs in the city, you’ll likely hear all of those languages and meet plenty of nutcases. Again, rickshaws are awesome.

Hope that helps.  Enjoy your vacation to New York :)


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12 Responses to “Tips When Visiting New York”

  1. Tips When Visiting New York – Paralegal Hell « Law Yarns
    February 17th, 2011 @ 4:07 pm

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    February 17th, 2011 @ 5:36 pm

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  5. Grumpy Humbug
    February 17th, 2011 @ 6:26 pm

    Ahhh, New York City. The city that never sleeps! The Greatest City in the Worl… BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Sorry, couldn’t finish that with a straight face.

    The biggest problem with New York is that it’s full of New Yorkers. Living on the East Coast and having to deal with them day in, day out just drains me of the will to live. They even call it simply “The City”, as if there is no other place worthy of being called a city. Plus, nothing anywhere else is apparently as good as it is in New York City. They even think their tap water is better than anyone else’s.

  6. Cheri S.
    February 17th, 2011 @ 7:54 pm

    Sorry, can’t agree with you on a lot of this post PH. #10 is right on and #7.. maybe.. just maybe… As for #2.. yup NYC is expensive and sometimes you are just paying for the fact that you are in “NYC” but that falls true in many other cities, LA, Chicago, San Fran, Miami, Boston. As for the rest of your post.. I just can’t agree with you.. Especially #’s 5 & 6… Pictures just don’t do it justice… yah the wait sucks… but the view from the top of the Empire State Building is worth it! Pictures are good for bringing back that feeling of being on top of the world after you’ve gone home and forgotten what that feeling was like. As for the Restaurants.. yes there are some that are not worth two cents… but there are also MANY of the best restaurants in the WORLD in NYC and i’m not talking all 4-5 star ones either… Want the best Burger in town… head to The Burger Joint… granted it’s located the fancy Le Parker Meridian, but you wouldn’t know it when you walk in the door! Inside it looks like a tiny hole in the wall joint you might find off an alley somewhere but the burgers are GREAT! … Everyone should visit NYC at least once in there lifetime…now living there is another story! The older I get the less I would ever want to move back (Born in Manhattan, grew up on Long Island… been living in the south for WAY too many years). NY will always be home… and is worth a visit.

  7. Paralegal
    February 17th, 2011 @ 10:24 pm

    I hear you. I called New York home for five years. I agree with you that there are other cities that are expensive, but the readers asked me about New York, not Boston. I also get your point about the restaurants, but no tourist wants to go to the local burger joint, they want to go back home and brag that they ate at La Hollis, etc
    That comes with a big price tag.
    We will agree to disagree about The Empire State Building. :)
    Curious to know which one you are. Yankees or Mets and Jets or Giants?

  8. OldParalegal
    February 18th, 2011 @ 2:56 am

    Portland IS lovely. Y’all are welcome any time. Cheap food, great people, lovely public spaces, crappy weather. And Portland does have the best tap water – really truly.

  9. Poonam
    February 21st, 2011 @ 7:34 pm

    I’m coming to New York in 2 weeks time. I am now scared 😛

  10. Paralegal
    February 21st, 2011 @ 11:08 pm

    No! Don’t be. You are going to have a great time!
    Just remember to walk really fast :)

  11. Portland Paralegal
    February 24th, 2011 @ 12:51 am

    Portland is lovely. Within an hour in either direction, you can go skiing at Mt. Hood, or go to the beach. Also, we have tons of breweries and the views are amazing. We also have trees, lots of them (even in the city). Thanks for the mention, ParalegalHell!

    We also have lawfirms with asshole attorneys who are totally unentitled snobs (I think that’s universal).

  12. Elizabeth
    February 25th, 2011 @ 7:44 pm

    ha! this is great!

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