Job Interviews

Posted on | September 3, 2010 | 11 Comments

Today I have a job interview after work.  I also have two more lined up for next week.

In the light that I will be interviewing, I found a list of things NOT to do at a job interview, which I found amusing.

1. Show up unprepared:  Wow- thanks for that tip.  I was going to go in to the interview with my robe, slippers and a cup of coffee. 
2. Pay little attention to your appearance: You mean I can’t say that “This dress has been in my family for eight generations?”  I have to brush my hair and put on makeup.  God- this is too much work already.

3. Have nothing to say: Another good tip.  I usually just sit there and when they ask my any questions I just repeat my name and social security number. 
4. Say too much: DAMN IT!  When can I finally tell my story about Band Camp?

 
5. Give a sob story: Oh- good to know. I was going to bring in my bank statements and show them my income and then whip up some crocodile tears.  I thought that would be professional. 

6. Tell jokes: Once again, they are censoring my freedom of speech here.  I always open an interview with a really dirty joke. 

7. Lie: You know.  Screw this.  Of course you don’t make up giant lies, but everyone lies a bit in an interview.  How am I supposed to answer any Boss questions?  He is a giant tool?  I don’t think so.

8. Trash a former employer: Wait, I thought they just said not to lie?
9. Blame problems on co-workers: Well, who else is there to blame?  Seriously, I would never throw anyone under the bus.  Except Boss (Evil laughter).

10. Act too familiar with your interviewers:  Once again, good tip.  I usually sit in the interviewers lap.  I guess I should stop that.

11. Give too many personal details: BAND CAMP!!!
12. Fidget, bite your nails, drum your fingers or show nervousness: Oh- I just explain this away with my raging meth addiction.

 
13. Chew gum: I can’t afford gum, so I am good.

 
14. Bring your breakfast, lunch or dinner:  Really?  Damnit.  I was going to stop at McDonalds and go on and on about the value of such fine fast food.  Then I was going to answer questions while chewing my Big Mac.

15. Be disrespectful:  I totally disagree with this one.  I always say “What’s up bitches?” when the attorney walks in to the room.   I think it breaks the ice.

 
16. Turn in a messy application: I guess I should stop having my three year old fill them out for me then.

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17. Bring only one copy of your resume: Wow- another good tip.  I guess I should create this “resume” thing.

18. Sit before you’re offered a chair:You know what.  That is stupid.  You are walking into a room.  If you stand there like a robot they are going to think you are Slingblade.  I’m sitting down.

19. Smoke or drink alcohol:  Well, now they tell me.  I usually show up with a keg and a carton.  I thought it would mellow the place out.

20. Talk on your cell phone or read text messages:But what if it’s a really important text?  Like someone commented on my Facebook status.  I just can’t ignore that!

21. Show up late: Really?  God.  I now really hate the person who wrote this.

 
22. Discuss money, time off or benefits unless an offer has been made: I think this is bullshit.  You don’t have to ask specifics, but I want to know if they offer benefits and what the salary range is.  I am not going to sit around waiting for an offer when all they are going to pay is $10 per hour and no benefits.
23. Ask no questions:  I agree.  You should ask questions about health benefits and salary.  Idiot.

24. Bring your cute little dog on the interview: Crap.  I guess my cute black lab will just have to sit in the car then.

25. Brush hair, file nails, put on lipstick: Oh my God!  Does this person not understand that lipstick is important? 

26. Cut short the interview for another appointment:  Oh great.   Yet another good tip.  I was going to go in and say “Well, it’s been a pleasure bitches, but I have a better appointment lined up.” “Smell ya later.”

27. Hit on the receptionist or pass your phone number to a cute guy:  Why not.  Clients hit on me all the time.  Guys can’t take it?

28. Get too comfortable:  Well, I guess I’ll leave my pillow and snacks in the car with my dog.  I usually like to just stretch out on the floor and mumble my answers while taking a power nap.

29. Give vague answers: So, no Jedi mind tricks.  Got it.

 
30. Use foul language:  Again?  Damn it.  They are really tying my hands here.

31. Act as if they need you more than you need them:  You know what? They freakin do.

 
32. Excuse yourself often to use the bathroom or phone:  Oh, so it’s not good to do this about three times during the interview and then come back with white powder lining your nostrils?  Good to know.

33. Forget to shake hands:  You know, the writer makes a good point.  I didn’t think about shaking hands.  Usually I go right in for a french kiss. 

Happy Friday.  Wish me luck.

Paralegal

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