Job Interviews

Posted on | September 3, 2010 | 11 Comments

Today I have a job interview after work. I also have two more lined up for next week.

In the light that I will be interviewing, I found a list of things NOT to do at a job interview, which I found amusing.

1. Show up unprepared: Wow- thanks for that tip. I was going to go in to the interview with my robe, slippers and a cup of coffee.
2. Pay little attention to your appearance: You mean I can’t say that “This dress has been in my family for eight generations?” I have to brush my hair and put on makeup. God- this is too much work already.

3. Have nothing to say: Another good tip. I usually just sit there and when they ask my any questions I just repeat my name and social security number.
4. Say too much: DAMN IT! When can I finally tell my story about Band Camp?

5. Give a sob story: Oh- good to know. I was going to bring in my bank statements and show them my income and then whip up some crocodile tears. I thought that would be professional.

6. Tell jokes: Once again, they are censoring my freedom of speech here. I always open an interview with a really dirty joke.

7. Lie: You know. Screw this. Of course you don’t make up giant lies, but everyone lies a bit in an interview. How am I supposed to answer any Boss questions? He is a giant tool? I don’t think so.

8. Trash a former employer: Wait, I thought they just said not to lie?
9. Blame problems on co-workers: Well, who else is there to blame? Seriously, I would never throw anyone under the bus. Except Boss (Evil laughter).

10. Act too familiar with your interviewers: Once again, good tip. I usually sit in the interviewers lap. I guess I should stop that.

11. Give too many personal details: BAND CAMP!!!
12. Fidget, bite your nails, drum your fingers or show nervousness: Oh- I just explain this away with my raging meth addiction.

13. Chew gum: I can’t afford gum, so I am good.

14. Bring your breakfast, lunch or dinner: Really? Damnit. I was going to stop at McDonalds and go on and on about the value of such fine fast food. Then I was going to answer questions while chewing my Big Mac.

15. Be disrespectful: I totally disagree with this one. I always say “What’s up bitches?” when the attorney walks in to the room. I think it breaks the ice.

16. Turn in a messy application: I guess I should stop having my three year old fill them out for me then.

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17. Bring only one copy of your resume: Wow- another good tip. I guess I should create this “resume” thing.

18. Sit before you’re offered a chair:You know what. That is stupid. You are walking into a room. If you stand there like a robot they are going to think you are Slingblade. I’m sitting down.

19. Smoke or drink alcohol: Well, now they tell me. I usually show up with a keg and a carton. I thought it would mellow the place out.

20. Talk on your cell phone or read text messages:But what if it’s a really important text? Like someone commented on my Facebook status. I just can’t ignore that!

21. Show up late: Really? God. I now really hate the person who wrote this.

22. Discuss money, time off or benefits unless an offer has been made: I think this is bullshit. You don’t have to ask specifics, but I want to know if they offer benefits and what the salary range is. I am not going to sit around waiting for an offer when all they are going to pay is $10 per hour and no benefits.
23. Ask no questions: I agree. You should ask questions about health benefits and salary. Idiot.

24. Bring your cute little dog on the interview: Crap. I guess my cute black lab will just have to sit in the car then.

25. Brush hair, file nails, put on lipstick: Oh my God! Does this person not understand that lipstick is important?

26. Cut short the interview for another appointment: Oh great. Yet another good tip. I was going to go in and say “Well, it’s been a pleasure bitches, but I have a better appointment lined up.” “Smell ya later.”

27. Hit on the receptionist or pass your phone number to a cute guy: Why not. Clients hit on me all the time. Guys can’t take it?

28. Get too comfortable: Well, I guess I’ll leave my pillow and snacks in the car with my dog. I usually like to just stretch out on the floor and mumble my answers while taking a power nap.

29. Give vague answers: So, no Jedi mind tricks. Got it.

30. Use foul language: Again? Damn it. They are really tying my hands here.

31. Act as if they need you more than you need them: You know what? They freakin do.

32. Excuse yourself often to use the bathroom or phone: Oh, so it’s not good to do this about three times during the interview and then come back with white powder lining your nostrils? Good to know.

33. Forget to shake hands: You know, the writer makes a good point. I didn’t think about shaking hands. Usually I go right in for a french kiss.

Happy Friday. Wish me luck.

Paralegal

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Comments

TxParalegal

Good LUCK! These people better have a sense of humor or no deal
http://paralegalhell.com Paralegal

Thanks! You are so right about the sense of humor, but I think they remove that in law school.
Nikki

I quit my job on August 4, and have been interviewing ever since. Everyone asks “Why did you leave your last position?” I want to tell the truth, but “I couldn’t keep working for the spawn of Satan” sounds…bitter.
TxParalegal

Ha! They most definitely remove it in law school – along with reality, perspective and all management skills.
http://paralegalhell.com Paralegal

Amen!
http://paralegalhell.com Paralegal

I know what you mean.
When they ask me why I want to leave my current position, I wish I could say “check out my blog for all the answers you are looking for.”
soon2beparalegal

So does this mean you’re sick of Boss? and are hoping to trade up? I wish you luck Paralegal, although if you get an awesome boss what ever will you write about?
http://paralegalhell.com Paralegal

See. That’s the thing. There is NEVER a lawyer who can be an awesome boss. I will always have something to write about no matter who I work for.
It’s one of the many awesome perks of being a paralegal
Corporate Paralegal

I am still trying to figure out who did some of these things in an interview so that a list would need to be compiled. Personal grooming during an interview? This really happens??

Good lcuk on the job hunt – since the interview has already happened.
Old Paralegal

It’s all these rules that keep me from looking for a new job….
In response to Corporate Paralegal – we did have someone show up for an interview with a child once; no dogs though.
http://paralegalhell.com Paralegal

When I was a teacher, I was in the middle of a math lesson for my sixth graders when a parent of one of my students stuck her head in my classroom and asked if I could talk for a minute.
I stepped into the hallway, where she then asked me to have her four year old stay with my class for two hours because she had a doctors appt.
I told her, no, I was not a babysitter.