Today I have a job interview after work.  I also have two more lined up for next week.

In the light that I will be interviewing, I found a list of things NOT to do at a job interview, which I found amusing.

1. Show up unprepared:  Wow- thanks for that tip.  I was going to go in to the interview with my robe, slippers and a cup of coffee. 
2. Pay little attention to your appearance: You mean I can’t say that “This dress has been in my family for eight generations?”  I have to brush my hair and put on makeup.  God- this is too much work already.

3. Have nothing to say: Another good tip.  I usually just sit there and when they ask my any questions I just repeat my name and social security number. 
4. Say too much: DAMN IT!  When can I finally tell my story about Band Camp?

 
5. Give a sob story: Oh- good to know. I was going to bring in my bank statements and show them my income and then whip up some crocodile tears.  I thought that would be professional. 

6. Tell jokes: Once again, they are censoring my freedom of speech here.  I always open an interview with a really dirty joke. 

7. Lie: You know.  Screw this.  Of course you don’t make up giant lies, but everyone lies a bit in an interview.  How am I supposed to answer any Boss questions?  He is a giant tool?  I don’t think so.

8. Trash a former employer: Wait, I thought they just said not to lie?
9. Blame problems on co-workers: Well, who else is there to blame?  Seriously, I would never throw anyone under the bus.  Except Boss (Evil laughter).

10. Act too familiar with your interviewers:  Once again, good tip.  I usually sit in the interviewers lap.  I guess I should stop that.

11. Give too many personal details: BAND CAMP!!!
12. Fidget, bite your nails, drum your fingers or show nervousness: Oh- I just explain this away with my raging meth addiction.

 
13. Chew gum: I can’t afford gum, so I am good.

 
14. Bring your breakfast, lunch or dinner:  Really?  Damnit.  I was going to stop at McDonalds and go on and on about the value of such fine fast food.  Then I was going to answer questions while chewing my Big Mac.

15. Be disrespectful:  I totally disagree with this one.  I always say “What’s up bitches?” when the attorney walks in to the room.   I think it breaks the ice.

 
16. Turn in a messy application: I guess I should stop having my three year old fill them out for me then.

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17. Bring only one copy of your resume: Wow- another good tip.  I guess I should create this “resume” thing.

18. Sit before you’re offered a chair:You know what.  That is stupid.  You are walking into a room.  If you stand there like a robot they are going to think you are Slingblade.  I’m sitting down.

19. Smoke or drink alcohol:  Well, now they tell me.  I usually show up with a keg and a carton.  I thought it would mellow the place out.

20. Talk on your cell phone or read text messages:But what if it’s a really important text?  Like someone commented on my Facebook status.  I just can’t ignore that!

21. Show up late: Really?  God.  I now really hate the person who wrote this.

 
22. Discuss money, time off or benefits unless an offer has been made: I think this is bullshit.  You don’t have to ask specifics, but I want to know if they offer benefits and what the salary range is.  I am not going to sit around waiting for an offer when all they are going to pay is $10 per hour and no benefits.
23. Ask no questions:  I agree.  You should ask questions about health benefits and salary.  Idiot.

24. Bring your cute little dog on the interview: Crap.  I guess my cute black lab will just have to sit in the car then.

25. Brush hair, file nails, put on lipstick: Oh my God!  Does this person not understand that lipstick is important? 

26. Cut short the interview for another appointment:  Oh great.   Yet another good tip.  I was going to go in and say “Well, it’s been a pleasure bitches, but I have a better appointment lined up.” “Smell ya later.”

27. Hit on the receptionist or pass your phone number to a cute guy:  Why not.  Clients hit on me all the time.  Guys can’t take it?

28. Get too comfortable:  Well, I guess I’ll leave my pillow and snacks in the car with my dog.  I usually like to just stretch out on the floor and mumble my answers while taking a power nap.

29. Give vague answers: So, no Jedi mind tricks.  Got it.

 
30. Use foul language:  Again?  Damn it.  They are really tying my hands here.

31. Act as if they need you more than you need them:  You know what? They freakin do.

 
32. Excuse yourself often to use the bathroom or phone:  Oh, so it’s not good to do this about three times during the interview and then come back with white powder lining your nostrils?  Good to know.

33. Forget to shake hands:  You know, the writer makes a good point.  I didn’t think about shaking hands.  Usually I go right in for a french kiss. 

Happy Friday.  Wish me luck.

Paralegal

Found this interesting…

“A Michigan judge removed a juror after a Facebook comment and also fined her $250 and required her to write a five-page paper about the constitutional right to a fair trial. The juror was ‘very sorry’ and the judge chastised her, saying, ‘You violated your oath. You had decided she was already guilty without hearing the other side.’”

Paralegal

I was just over at Bitter Lawyer and read this article. I agree with all of them, but they forgot to give an honorable mention to Gunn, from Angel who kicked serious Demon ass in that show.

Enjoy!

Paralegal

This month’s issue of the ABA Journal featured The 25 Greatest Fictional Lawyers (Who are Not Atticus Finch).  Some are interesting, like Vincent “Vinny” Gambini from My Cousin Vinny, but they took the lazy road of handing out honors to pretty much every hour-long prime time legal show, including Law & Order, Boston Legal, L.A. Law and Ally McBeal.

They could have dug a little deeper and come up with a much more interesting list.  So here you have it: THE TEN GREATEST FICTIONAL LAWYERS OVERLOOKED BY THE ABA JOURNAL (none of whom are Elle Woods).
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1.  TOM HAGEN(Robert Duvall) – The Godfather, The Godfather II

“A lawyer with his briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns.”
“I have a special practice.  I handle one client.”
—Tom Hagen

Think your legal practice is demanding?  Try being the sole legal counsel to a multi-million dollar national crime syndicate.  If you took a Negotiations seminar, you may have covered the Ultimatum Game, but odds are you never had to learn about offers that can’t be refused.

Good thing Tom Hagen didn’t learn how to “think like a lawyer” while in law school—or else we might never have seen Jack Woltz wake up in bed with the severed head of one of his prize horses.
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2.  MITCH MARTIN (Luke Wilson) – Old School

“True love is hard to find.  Sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend.”
—Mitch Martin

Even if you’re an avid fan of the Frat Pack films, you may have missed this minor detail from Old School: Mitch “The Godfather” Martin is, in fact, an attorney.  (Remember when he recruits two of his colleagues to read through a bunch of regulations?  Me neither—I just re-watch the KY wrestling scene instead.)

Unlike most attorneys who spend their free time billing more hours, Mitch decides to create a fraternity, throw wild parties and fool around with his boss’s daughter who is as hot as she is underage.  Tucker Max, eat your heart out.

“Mitch is a lawyer, buddy. He’ll find a way out for us.”
—Bernard “Bernie” Campbell
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3.  SHE-HULK (Jennifer Susan Walters) – Marvel Comics

Dock Worker: Can I have your number, babe?
She-Hulk: I’m unlisted, babe. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to sow my super oats!

The Marvel and DC universes have a surprising number of lawyer characters, such as Daredevil and Robin (from Earth 2), but none is quite as compelling as Lady Green.  Daredevil has to deal with ethics committees, but She-Hulk gets summoned by the Living Tribunal to decide the fate of entire worlds.  No contest.

Not only is she the most powerful of all the superhero attorneys (who appeared before the Supreme Court, no less), but while working at Goodman, Lieber, Kurtzberg & Holliway, she forever changed the industry’s understanding of the term “law firm hot.” Green skin and all.
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4.  LIONEL HUTZ (Voiced by Phil Hartman) – The Simpsons

“Mr. Simpson, the state bar forbids me from promising you a big cash settlement.  But just between you and me, I promise you a big cash settlement.”
—Lionel Hutz

A “Doctor of Lawology” recipient from the Knight School of Law, Lionel Hutz gives hope to everyone who graduated from an unaccredited law school.  You don’t need to be competent or knowledgeable of the law to win a case.  All you really need is a team of some of the best comedy writers of all time to have complete control of the outcome.
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5.  ROMO LAMPKIN (Mark Sheppard) – Battlestar Galactica

Roslin: Well, it’s so comforting to know that you’re not afraid.  You’re not afraid to represent the most hated man alive.  The question is why?
Romo Lampkin: For the fame, the glory!

Romo Lampkin fulfills two deeply rooted fantasies all lawyers share: 1) That we might do work so important that people would try to assassinate us (and fail, of course); 2) That we will someday enjoy the kind of job security that comes with being one of only two attorneys left in the galaxy.  It takes a special character to make lawyers look cool in the presence of space marines, starfighter pilots and sexy robots.  Lampkin not only pulls it off, but he does so while handicapped by a pet cat.
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6.  HARVEY BIRDMAN, ATTORNEY AT LAW (Voiced by Gary Cole) – Adult Swim

Harvey: There are two lives that depend on me giving the performance of my life in court tomorrow.
Bartender: Scotch?
Harvey: Hell, yeah! Let’s get stinko!

When you and your crime-solving dog companion are busted for possession of marijuana (ruh-roh, Raggy!) who do you call?  Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law!  Other superhero-lawyers are superhero first, lawyer second, which makes you wonder where they find time for all those billable hours.  Harvey Birdman, however, retired from being a third-rate hero to pursue a career as a third-rate lawyer, so you know your case will get his full aTTTention.
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7.  FRED GAILEY (John Payne) – Miracle on 34th Street

“All my life I’ve wondered something, and now’s my chance to find out.  I’m going to find the answer to a question that’s puzzled the world for centuries.  Does Santa Claus sleep with his whiskers outside or in?”
—Fred Gailey

Lots of young attorneys start life in BigLaw to pay off their loans and build a nest egg—all the while telling themselves that one day they’ll leave to pursue the public interest job that made them interested in law school in the first place.  But only Fred Gailey will ever hold the honor of getting to cast off the golden handcuffs to defend Santa Clause.  Kind of puts the twenty hours of pro bono work you did last year to shame, no?
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8.  STACY WARNER (Sela Ward) – House

“You’re abrasive and annoying and come on way too strong, like… vindaloo curry.  When you’re crazy about curry, that’s fine, but no matter how much you love curry, you have too much of it, it takes the roof of your mouth off.  And then you never want to see curry for a really, really long time, but you wake up one day and you think… God I really miss curry.”
—Stacy Warner

Anyone who can capture the heart of Dr. House (and not just Little Gregory) scores major points right away.  Add to that a wit that can go toe-to-toe with House—and the fact that Sela Ward still looks dead sexy in her 50s—and you’ve got yourself a winning combination.  Just don’t ever let her be your medical proxy.
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9.  JACKIE CHILES (Phil Morris) – Seinfeld

“Jackie’s cashing in on your wretched disfigurement.
—Jackie Chiles

You know it’s going to be a great episode of Seinfeldwhen Kramer’s go-to lawyer, Jackie Chiles, is involved—even though it will likely end in one of the most public of his many humiliations.  He helped keep fresh one of the greatest sitcoms of all time.  What more do you need to say about this man?  Notable, quotable, gregarious, hilarious.
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10.  PHILIP BANKS, AKA Uncle Phil, AKA Zeke (James Avery) – The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

Philip Banks: Dr. Hoover, the school where you got your degree, did you find it on the back of a matchbook?
Dr. Hoover: Penn State, my brother.
Philip Banks: Really? Good school. I was thinking of going there if my scholarship to Princeton, Yale, Warton, and Talladega Tech had fallen through!

Phillip Banks’s legal career is a rags to riches story, going from civil rights activist and NAACP board member, to a Harvard Law-trained attorney at the prestigious firm of Firth, Wynn and Meyer.  And eventually, he landed a judge appointment.

Of course, we don’t actually have to witness any of the rags part of the story. Otherwise every week would have been a “very special episode.” (Yikes.) Besides, who really wants to see a Harvard Law grad living in a rundown apartment barely able to scrape together rent money?  I mean, other than everyone who didn’t go to Harvard…
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HONORABLE MENTIONS:

11. ARI GOLD(Jeremy Piven) – Entourage

“You know what other class I took at Harvard? Business Ethics. I don’t steal other people’s motherfucking clients. But in your case, I am going to make an exception. I am going to take everyone: your B-level sitcom stars, your reality TV writers. When I’m done with you, you’re going to be repping sideshow freaks. You need Jojo, the dog-faced bitchboy? Call Josh Weinfuck, the light-weight pen-stealing fuckface.”
—Ari Gold

It’s easy to create a cunning, witty, master of the universe that we love to hate (Don Draper, looking at you), but being the master of the universe we love to love is a much harder feat.  Ari Gold may be a crude, lying son-of-a-bitch, but his undying loyalty to Vinny and Mrs. Ari makes him one of the most lovable business moguls to ever grace the small screen.

WHY HE DIDN’T MAKE THE LIST: While Ari Gold does have a JD/MBA from Michigan, he has apparently never practiced law.  Good choice.
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12.  OSCAR ZETA ACOSTA, AKA Dr. Gonzo(Benicio Del Toro) – Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

Dr. Gonzo: Sounds like big trouble. You’re going to need plenty of legal advice before this thing is over. As your attorney, I advise you to rent a very fast car with no top. And you’ll need the cocaine. Tape recorder for special music. Acapulco shirts. Get the hell out of L.A. for at least 48 hours. Blows my weekend.
Raoul Duke: Why?
Dr. Gonzo: Because naturally I’m going to have to go with you. And we’re going to have to arm ourselves… to the teeth!”

Air Force veteran, graduate of San Francisco Law and Chicano rights activist, Acosta is best known as Hunter S. Thompson’s sidekick on his savage journey to the heart of the American dream.  The way he consumes and pushes drugs will make your average attorney feel okay with his own substance abuse problems.  And despite possibly never spending a single moment sober, his advice is always spot on.

WHY HE DIDN’T MAKE THE LIST: Questions about the accuracy of Thompson’s tale aside, Oscar Zeta Acosta is a real person.
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13.  LTJG DANIEL KAFFEE (Tom Cruise) – A Few Good Men

Kaffee:: Twelve years. I can get it knocked down to Involuntary Manslaughter. Twelve years.
JoAnne: You haven’t talked to a witness, you haven’t looked at a piece of paper.
Kaffee: Pretty impressive, huh?

Take Maverick and put him in a court room and you’ve got Daniel Kaffee.  Women want him and men want the women who want him. Aside from the brilliance of the character and the film, Kaffee gets extra points for the nostalgia factor, taking us back to a time before Tom Cruise joined a [perfectly legitimate religion].

WHY HE DIDN’T MAKE THE LIST: Kaffee is a great attorney, he’s fictitious, and he’s already on the ABA Journal list.  But the ABA Journal recognized him because he “confronts an injustice in the military and discovers a passion for the courtroom he had been trying to suppress.” What?  No.  Daniel Kaffee is a great lawyer because of he’s an almost endless well of smart-ass quips:

JoAnne: Your father’s Lionel Kaffee, former Navy Judge Advocate and Attorney General, of the United States, died 1985. You went to Harvard Law on a Navy scholarship, probably because that’s what your father wanted you to do, and now you’re just treading water for the three years you’ve gotta serve in the JAG Corps, just kinda layin’ low til you can get out and get a real job. And if that’s the situation, that’s fine. I won’t tell anyone. But my feeling is that if this case is handled in the same fast-food, slick-ass, Persian Bazaar manner with which you seem to handle everything else, something’s gonna get missed. And I wouldn’t be doing my job if I allowed Dawson and Downey to spend any more time in prison than absolutely necessary because their attorney had pre-determined the path of least resistance.
Kaffee: Wow. I’m sexually aroused, Commander.
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14.  BOB LOBLAW(Scott Baio) – Arrested Development

Bob Loblaw: Actually, I was going to stay in my office tonight and work on my law blog.
Tobias: Of course—the “Bob Loblaw Law Blog.” Wow.  You, sir, are a mouthful!

Loblaw is the younger, more competent, more entertaining replacement to the original Bluth family attorney, Barry Zuckerkorn(Henry Winkler).  Despite always traveling with his trusty stenographer sidekick, he does his own bLAWging, which we like.

WHY HE DIDN’T MAKE THE LIST:  Though Loblaw’s a cult sensation, Arrested Development never got the appreciation it deserved—so why start now?

1.  Boss did not sleep well last night.  This is somehow my fault.

2. There is no coffee in the break room.  There hasn’t been for about a week because I got sick of buying it and never getting paid back.  He can go to Starbucks from now on.

3. One of our clients has a Motion to Dismiss due to non-payment.  I have called these clients, sent emails and letters to tell them to pay.  Once again, this is somehow my fault.  I guess I should have picked them up, drove them to the bank, drove them to the post office, wrote the address down for them and sent the payment myself.

4. Associate had to bring his daughter in today.  He wants to know since when this has become a daycare center.  I told him to ask Associate.

5. The letter I sent to the trustee was written in the wrong font.  WTH???  I have used the same font since I have been here.  He can write his own damn letter.

I am sure there is more coming my way. 

Paralegal

Boss is ranting today.

Today’s topic:  Notice of when you will be leaving early.

Boss starts screaming that there is now a “new” office policy that if anyone needs to leave early for any reason, they must send him an email for approval.

Now, this crawled all over me because this is not “new” policy.  It is just a policy that one person ignores.

So, in the middle of his rant, I ask “So, since when is this “new” policy?” “My paralegals and I send you emails every time.”

Boss just looks at me, so I continue.  “You know what might be more effective than screaming at the whole office?” “How about you talk to the person who ignores this policy and give them your wrath instead of the whole office?”

Boss just stared at me, then walked back to his office and closed the door.

Where I hope he stays.

Paralegal

I have a deep, dark secret.

If you’re not afraid of clowns, you probably know someone who is. And if you don’t – you do now – me!

First of all, there are two kinds of clowns that I’m not afraid of – rodeo clowns and ass clowns. Rodeo clowns are bull – literally. They put themselves in front of a raging bull, risking injury or death. Because of that, they don’t frighten me. And ass clowns, who aren’t clowns in the conventional way, are just stupid people. Don’t get me wrong. Stupid people do scare me. But they scare me in a different sense. They don’t scare me in the “Oh my God, that clown’s going to kill me!” sense, if that makes any sense. I hope that explanation made sense.

But then there are clowns like Bozo and Ronald McDonald.

They are the “Oh my God, that clown’s going to kill me!” clowns. They’re evil!

I would like to share my phobia with you, expressing some of my opinions and experiences on why clowns are EVIL!

First of all, notice that I called my fear of clowns a phobia. It’s called clownophobia. This is a real phobia that affects approximately 10 percent to 20 percent of the population – myself included.

Let’s get in the way back machine for awhile.

Remember the movie, Poltergeist? (Can I get an Amen?)

Remember the evil clown doll that the little boy had in his room?  Remember how it came to life and did evil clown things?

Well, when I was about 11 years old, I had a clown doll that looked just like the one in Poltergeist.  My aunt made if for me and my dad hung it from the ceiling, just dangling there, plotting how to jump down and kill me in the middle of the night.

Flash forward to today.

Hello, my name is Paralegal  and I’m scared of clowns.

Clowns are supposed to be happy and fun. They make balloon animals, spray seltzer down their pants and hundreds of them fit into one tiny car. Children love them. Right?

Wrong!

Clowns are scary bastards!  (Disclaimer: If you make your living as a clown, or even do it on the side for extra money, please don’t take the “scary bastards” comment personally. I happen to have a problem with clowns. So the thought of you willingly dressing up as one, makes me want to punch you in your big, red nose and ask you, “Why?”)

I wasn’t even safe at the circus. I felt like at any moment the clowns could come running into the crowd and do evil clown things to me! I can’t remember the last time I went to the circus. Maybe it’s because I’ve blocked out the horrifying experience.

And I’ve always hated those Jack-in-the-Boxes. I’ve never been able to spin the handle and not jump when the little freak pops out!

Reading the book and later, watching the movie, IT, when I was in high school didn’t help my problem either. I also don’t think attending Fright Night at Six Flags , where Bobo the Clown roams the park, has helped. Scary bastard.  

Friendly-looking clowns are just as scary as evil-looking clowns. I have no distinction.

In college, I was browsing the movies in Blockbuster with a friend. She thought it would be funny to pick up a video sleeve with an evil clown on it and show it to me. That was my first serious clown breakdown. I had a panic attack! I couldn’t breathe! My heart started palpitating! It was one of the scariest things I’ve ever experienced.

That same friend has told me what a hoot it would be to show up outside my house one night with a huge clown poster and knock on my bedroom window! (I have compassionate friends, no?)

Then, there is this freaky ass clown who was everywhere in Stockholm (picture below).  Apparently, it is the mascot for some ice cream company. If you use a clown as a mascot for your company, I am not only terrified, I am suspicious.  This evil clown wants us to buy ice cream.  For what purpose you may ask?  EVIL PURPOSES!

Swedish Clown

My current friends laugh at me when they find out about my serious hatred towards clowns.  They can laugh all they want.  When the evil clowns come to conquer us all, I will have the foresight to run for my life while my friends will stand there thinking the evil clown is about to make them a poodle from a balloon.  Ha!  I know better.

Paralegal

Ran across this list from Paralegal Gateway.  Thought it was interesting to share here, as I am sure you can relate some, if not all.

Depressing work space.
Office is full of clutter.
Most of it’s not mine…..

Paralegal