Happy Holidays

Posted on | December 22, 2011 | Comments Off

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Happy Holidays everyone!  I am hoping to start blogging again soon, once we finish unpacking.

Until then, enjoy this holiday poem.  Mrs. Roudolph is pissed.  Enjoy!

Dear Husband, It is time that I must have my say,
I’ve taken your shit day after day.
I’ve kept the home peaceful year after year
Now there is going to be changes, so listen my dear.

So you’re famous, everyone knows your name,
And you’re a specialist by gum, in the transport game,
You think you’re so grand with your important job.
But I’m telling you my dear you’re a worn out old yob

363 days a year,
You sit on your arse drinking scotch, rum and beer,
You claim it is to keep up the shine on your nose
So Santa can see where he bloodywell goes.

One night a year is all that you work,
You and your eight reisty mates – they’re all jerks.
Dasher and Dancer – Speed freaks I say,
The sleigh wouldn’t go that quick any other way.
Prancer and Vixen – Just cheap little tarts,
But they look like angels once Comet starts.

Cupids on some freaked out damned power trip,
And Donner…well, she should just get a damned grip
And Blitzen, I almost don’t need to say,
Is here getting blitzed with you every day.

All of these years at the front of the sled,
Has gone, I’m afraid, to your crusty old head.
You’re a layabout and a drunkard, with a big shiny nose,
And a weakness for elves in black pantyhose.

I’m telling you husband that one Christmas song,
Has made you think that you can do no wrong.
So this year while your out with old Santa’s sled,
I am eloping, my dear, with your friend – Mr. Ed

Copyright; Denise Hobbs

 

Christmas Came Early This Year

Posted on | December 9, 2011 | Comments Off

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yesterday was a glorious day.  Apparently, my two boys stayed up late the night before and conspired for the both of them to go bat shit crazy at school “just for fun” on the same fucking day.

Here is the summary of yesterday.

10:00- My cell phone rings and I see that it is my ten year old’s school.  Now, he is not a trouble maker, so I was expecting the nurse on the phone saying he was sick, or some automated bullshit message that our school district sends out (Good morning parents, this year’s Santa Parade is on Tuesday… blah, blah, blah), but no- it is my son.  He states that he is calling because he has signed his behavior card three times today and has to call to tell me.   What did he do?  Good question.  I asked the same thing.  His first offense was not bringing his homework to school.  When he was told to sign his card for that, he muttered “Oh Joy!” to the teacher (second offense) and then when he was asked if he has signed his card by his teacher for both offenses he snapped back at her with a charming “Absolutely- why would I NOT sign my card twice so I can  get in trouble?”, which equaled his third offense for being a smart ass towards his teacher.

Awesome!

I tell the little punk that he better apologize to his teacher for being a smart ass and have a better day.  He states that he will and hangs up.

12:00- I see my cell phone ringing from my ten year old’s school again.  This time I am on alert and answer the phone with a weary “Hello?”.  It is my son again.  No, he is not calling to tell me that he turned his day around and that he won student of the year.  He decided that he didn’t want to face the consequences of signing his card three times and go to “silent lunch”, so he just skipped it instead.  His reason?  I always go to silent lunch and I am sick of it.  My response?  You are a freaking liar because if you always has silent lunch, your teacher would have called me about what an incredible asshole you are at school.  He admitted that he just didn’t want to face the punishment and skipped it and starts crying because I tell him he is in deep shit when he gets home.  I hang up and grab some aspirin from the break room.

12:40- My cell phone rings.  This time, it is my 14 year old’s math teacher on the phone.   I know he is not calling to tell me what a delight my child is, so I sit down and brace myself for what is to come.  Apparently, my genius is not turning in his homework.  His is aceing all of his tests, quizzes, etc., but can not seem to be bothered with turning in homework.  Here is the kicker.  He has his homework done, he just can’t seem to gather enough energy to take it out of his backpack and hand it to his freaking teacher, so he has several zeros  for this and he is in danger of failing this six weeks.  I couldn’t be more proud…

At this point, I am wishing I had some vodka.  We decide that my 14 year old will go to school early next week to catch up on his work and to prepare for his semester exam.  I apologize to the teacher for having to teach my 14 year old wolverine and tell him how much I appreciate the call and his willingness to help the situation.  I know that when I get home and tell my 14 year old that he has to go to school early next week he is going to be pissed, which gives me a smile and the will to carry on for the rest of the workday.

2:00- My cell phone rings from my 10 year old’s school.  I honestly scream out loud “You have got to be fucking kidding me!’  I answer the phone with “What the hell did you do now?” and my ten year old explains that he is sitting out at recess and wanted me to know because he didn’t want to get in more trouble.  I told him that of course he was sitting out at recess and that if he thinks that this phone call is going to make up for his shit he pulled earlier, he was sadly mistaken.  I hung up the phone and told my boss that we need to start keeping some vodka in the office for emergencies.

4:00- My cell phone rings from my 14 year old’s school.  Apparently progress reports were handed out last week and my son has not brought it back signed.  That is not a shocker, because I never even saw a progress report for the little fucker.  I thank the teacher for the phone call and tell her that it will be signed and brought to school tomorrow.  I call my 14 year old and ask him to get his progress report ready for me to see and sign when I get home.  His response?  “What progress report? ” At this point I was close to snapping, but I was at work and couldn’t look crazier than I already am.  He tells me that he never got any progress report (BULLSHIT!) and doesn’t know what I am talking about (BULLSHIT!).  I tell him to get on the computer, go to the school’s website and print it out so I can sign it.  He sighs and hangs up.  I call him back I tell him not to ever sigh and hang up on me again, and then, being the good parent that I am, hang up on him.

4:30- My boss tells me that I need to leave early to go to the liquor store and beat the crap out of my kids.  I thank him and get the hell out of the office.

5:00- I get the progress report from my son, sign it and then tell him the news that he has to go to school early next week because of his math homework.  His reaction makes me happy because, as I noted earlier, he wouldn’t be pleased with this.

5:15- I tell HSF that I can not take anymore today.  That the boys have won and I am waving the white flag.  I don’t care at this point if both of them want to drop out of school and wander the streets because today, they have beaten me.  HSF smiles and hands me a letter that came in the mail.  It is from my 14 year old’s school and once again, I know it is not a letter from the principal asking if they could have some of my son’s DNA because he is such an amazing student and they want to clone him for generations to see such a fine example of a human being.  I tell HSF to read it, as I have gone blind with rage.  He does, yells for our son to come down from his room and informs both of us that he has been tardy 11 times this semester and has been assigned to “Friday School” to make up the time.  My son’s response?  “Cool”.  I honestly do not know what happened after that- I think I might have had a rage blackout.  HSF told me that he saw the look in my eyes, took our son out of the room and dealt with him while I apparentlly went crazy in our bedroom.

The boys are grounded until they are 55 and HSF stated that I would see the humor in this once I get some vodka in me this weekend.  I hope so.  Until then, if anyone wants two boys for Christmas, just let me know.  I will pay YOU to take them.

I am also thinking of taking donations to send the 14 year old to military school….

Happy Friday,

PH

 

 

Christmas List 2011

Posted on | December 6, 2011 | Comments Off

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Due to HSF and I buying a house, the cost of the move, etc. we sat our kids down and explained to them that Christmas is NOT going to be very big this year.  We suggested that they each pick four things that they REALLY want that is not too expensive and give us the list.  Now, I know the boys and they have no clue what “too expensive” means, so I told them something under $150 and stated that they will NOT get the four items on the list, just one.

Pretty simple procedure, right?  I mean, our four year old got on Amazon and made her wish list right away with tons of crap that we can give her and she will be happy for years.

After a week, I asked for the boys lists and, stupid me, was hopeful that they understood the rules of the gifts this year.  HA!

Here is the 10 year olds list:

1. Life size replica of Master Chief from Halo to put in his new room

2. New headset for Xbox (cost- $200)

3. Several new games for the Xbox (about $60 a piece)

4. A new I-phone

Now, I do have to give the 10 year old credit, because after I read the list he did say that he would just be happy with one game this year, so even though his list made me laugh, at least he got bonus points for understanding he may just get one of the games listed.

The 14 year old’s list:

1. A brand new computer

2. A Deadmou5 head ($500)

3. A car- no, not a hotwheel- a FREAKIN car

4. Brand new I-phone

and a bonus

5. Brand new entertainment center for his new room (new X-box, surround sound, etc.)

I read his list, looked at it, read it again and asked him if it was a joke.   He looked at me like I was crazy and said, no.  I don’t expect the car, but everything else is a good price, right? 

Looks like the 14 year old will be very sad this Christmas when I give him a pair of socks and some underwear.

PH

My Boss “Gets” Me!

Posted on | November 23, 2011 | Comments Off

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Look at what my boss gave me for Thanksgiving Day!  Does he know me, or what? 

HSF and I plan on opening  my amazing gift in our new house, which we close on December 15th!  It has six bedrooms, so if you are every in my area, let me know.  We have plenty of room for you :)

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! 

PH

Classless Hooker (or my Pretty Woman review)

Posted on | November 17, 2011 | Comments Off

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, dear readers.  I lost a bet.  Yep.  I was so sure that I was right about a trivia fact, that I bet my good friend that if I was wrong that I would watch Pretty Woman again and blog about it.  I bet my friend that Brad Pitt’s first movie role was in Thelma and Louise, when in fact it was The Dark Side of the Sun.  Damn you Pitt!!!

As awful as the punishment was, I am true to my word and do not go back on a bet.  I had HSF download the movie, and made sure I had plenty of vodka and a trashbag (to vomit in), plus gave my family a heads up to tread lightly while I was watching the “movie” because my eyes might roll out of my head and I didn’t want kids to step on them.

With that being said, here is my review.  I hope you are happy with yourself  Heather!

Julia Roberts is a classless whore who gets lucky by bedding a millionaire should have been the title of Pretty Woman.  It is much catchier and more realistic.

In what is the most ridiculous movie in a decade, a businessman hires a Hollywood Boulevard hooker (renowned for their trashiness,  uncleanliness, and, most notably, their small dicks) who falls in love with him. Does it occur to anyone how freaking EASY it is to “fall in love” with a billionaire (who looks like Richard Gere) who keeps buying you things?  I am pretty sure that is why Paris Hilton’s stupid lap dogs don’t bite off her face.  It’s all about the Benjamins…

Richard Gere get the horrible job of playing aside horseface as the heartless Edward, a businessman whose job involves “screwing people for money,” so finds a kinship with prostitute Vivian (horseface) who does it literally. But I still don’t get the title: PRETTY WOMAN.???  Maybe I missed a memo, but are they referring to…? No! They don’t mean Horseface, do they???– HA!  Excuse the vodka shooting outta my nose, but is that meant to be ironic, like “Have A Nice Day,” or just an outright lie, like “One Size Fits All”?  I mean, look at what she really looks like in the picture at the top of the page.  Good lord.

Edward hires the prostitute Vivian for one week , after which he wants to make her a Kept Woman, setting her up in an apartment and seeing to all her needs ( giant sized toothbrushes and a year supply to Mane and Tail shampoo), but Vivian wants more. Of course she does.  She want his heart and soul as well as his wallet. Oh yes, dear readers.  She wants his money. Put it this way: if Edward just offered his heart WITHOUT THE MONEY, would she take it? Would she stop hooking for him because he declared his pure love for her – but wouldn’t spend a dime more on her? Even though not spending a dime more would truly make Vivian ‘Not A Hooker’ anymore (which is what she seems to be aspiring towards), she would never in a billion years accept this condition after the luxuries she was exposed to. Is the hypocrisy starting to seep into your heads now?

Edward grows in the “movie” from being a heartless bitch, brutally carving up companies in hostile takeovers, to helping a company that he should be hostilely taking over. I guess this makes him a good guy, as he goes OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN in the final scene to sweep Vivian off her feet. GAG! Look at the hypocrisy( see a common theme in this movie?) in rooting for this souless man who doesn’t produce anything, doesn’t create anything, or has no tangible or useful product to offer – he didn’t NEED to smash that last client to secure his future, he’s already a billionaire. You know what would make a better impression? If he gave away ALL of the money he made destroying other businesses. THAT would make him a “good” person… But, we can’t have that in the “movie” because then horseface wouldn’t want to be with the broke idiot because he couldn’t buy her shoes and yearly tests for STD’s.

Another thing about this “movie” that drives me crazy is this..does it cross people’s minds that maybe Vivian is turning into a cultured debutante BECAUSE it is a rich, hot man buying her everything her horseface desires? What if her john was a balding, fat, ugly Jason Alexander, who still loved her as much as Edward claims to? Jason Alexander, by the way, happens to play Edward’s attorney in this “movie”  Though he’s rich, he is an attorney, so when he tries to hire Vivian (while she is living the fantasy lie that she is Edward’s love) she  turns him down. Let me clarify to “romantics” out there who are also living a fantasy lie, pretending you know nothing about this prostitute business: Vivian turns Alexander down NOT through any moral code, but because she would much rather get paid and laid by someone like Edward. She fools herself – and the viewer- into thinking it is because she “loves” Edward that she doesn’t want to “cheat” on him – but come on! If I have to spell out everything again about the ease of “falling in love” with a billionaire, we’ll be here for days.

The original ending to this movie was that at the end of the week, Edward takes Vivian to the corner where he picked her up, kicks her out of the car and throws the money at her.  The closing shot is Vivian crying while picking up all the money on the street.  Gary Marshall took that out after idiot screeners wanted the typical “Hollywood” ending for this couple.  Obviously, he made the right choice because this is probably one of the top ten chic flick of all time, but damn, I wish it had that ending instead.

God, that was painful to watch.  Thank God for vodka.

PH

 

Moving

Posted on | November 16, 2011 | Comments Off

 

 

 

So, from my post yesterday, you have learned that we are moving.  Soon. 

I am very excited, but it has been a freaking long journey.  Looking at 800 houses, firing our first realtor, going back and forth with the seller on the current house- well, you can imagine what a chipper mood I have been in for the past two months.

Before you think- wow, PH is a total bitch, she FIRED her first realtor, let me tell you the story.

I met with the woman and she seemed very bright, took note of things I liked in a house and things that would be dealkillers.  She seemed to be very personable and organized.  HSF and I were comfortable with her, so we set up an appointment to see houses the following weekend.  She stated she would email us a list of houses and we could make a list of the ones we wanted to check out.

Coolio right?

We get the list from her and EVERYTHING that I listed as a dealkiller is on this list.  I gave her the benefit of the doubt and emailed her, thinking she may have accidently switched lists thinking the houses she emailed was on the want list.  She apologized, sent a new list, which HSF and I went through, picked out about 8 houses and made an appointment to meet her at the first house around 10:00 am.

The morning of the house hunt the kids were excited (except for the teen- he doesn’t get excited about anything but Mou5heads) and we arrive at the first house about 5 minutes early.  We wait.  An wait.  And wait some more.  The kids are driving us crazy and I am about to jump in the back seat with them to slap them around, when our realtor calls.  She got confused as to what house we were to meet at and wanted to know where we were.  She would be there in ten minutes.

Allrighty, right NOW I want to call her back and tell her that it just isn’t going to work out.  This is a big ol strike two, but HSF wanted to at least look at the houses.  I told him that he would regret that decision.  

She arrives at the first house, and finds out that she forgot to call that realtor for an appointment to show that house.  I almost flew out of the car and snapped her neck, but we drove to the next house where she assured us that she had made an appointment.

We pull up to one of the houses on the list that I HATED and told her in my second email to take it off the list.  I just looked at HSF and without missing a beat he got out of the car to talk to her about me hating this house and that we didn’t want to see it.  He also got out of the car, because if I did, the realtor would have been baldheaded at this point.

HSF got the list of houses from her and comes back to the car.  He just hands over the list to me, which has six more houses on it and are the DEALKILLERS!  I was now chomping at the bit to get out of the car and ask her what the hell is wrong with her?  Did she not understand what dealkiller meant?  Were we on some crazy ass Japenese reality show?

I was opening the door when HSF, not wanting to bail me out of jail, got out first and told her that things just weren’t working out.   She seemed to understand and we went home.

The next day, the lady called and thought that even though things didn’t work out with her as our realtor, that she thought we hit it off and invited me to go to the movies with her that night.  What??  I swear, I was looking around for the cameras to the crazy ass Japanese reality show.  That could be the ONLY explaniation at this point.

The good news is we found a great realtor and hopefully will be closing on our new house soon! 

PH

BTW- no, I did not got to the movies with the crazy realtor, but if anyone wants a super crazy friend in their life, let me know and I’ll hook ya up :)

 

House Hunting and Moving Sucks The Big One

Posted on | November 15, 2011 | Comments Off

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yep.  The title says it all.

PH

Proud Parent of Mediocrity

Posted on | November 8, 2011 | Comments Off

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is a picture of my oldest son.  Do you see that thing on his head? That is a Mau5head.  He wears it to Deadmau5 concerts. 

So, do you see how detailed it is?  He designed it, bought all the parts with his allowance,  and put it all together by himself in three days.  Pretty damn creative, right?

So, why the hell does my son have a C in his Honors Science class right now?  Well, that is because he has hardly done a damn thing for his Science Project, which he has had the plans, deadlines, etc since the third week of school. 

He can build a Mou5head, but can’t figure out how to do anything for his science project. 

Yes, he is grounded :)   I am so unfair.

PH

New Blog To Check Out

Posted on | October 28, 2011 | Comments Off

We have a new blog to check out! 

Perileagle just finished school and decided to blog!  The link is on my blog roll and below…..

http://perileagle.wordpress.com/

Don’t forget to tell Perileagle that PH sent ya!

Happy Friday everyone!

PH

Things That Annoy Me

Posted on | October 25, 2011 | Comments Off

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time…. I know where my watch is, so where the hell is yours? Do I point at my mouth when I ask where Taco Bell is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T. V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T. V. and change the channel manually, but yet make excuse after excuse how they can’t exercise.  GOD!

3. When people say ‘Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too’. Hell yeah! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?

4. When people say ‘it’s always the last place you look’. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it?  My mother says this all the time and I want to kick her ass when it comes out of her mouth.  (Hi Mom!  Still love you though!)

5. When people say while watching a film ‘did you see that?’ OMG!! No Asshole,  I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor. “Should I be looking somewhere else?”

6. Reporters on the sidelines who ask idiotic questions at any kind of sports event. “Bob, you were 1 yard away from the touchdown when you fumbled the ball.  What were you thinking about when the other team recovered?” What the hell is he supposed to say?  “I was thinking about if I left the oven on before I left home…”

7. When something is ‘new and improved!’ Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn’t be new. Did they add a wall or just mop the floors??

8. Julia Roberts.

9.  People who take up more than one parking spot when they park.  You know, if your freaking Toyota is so damn special, park it in two spaces away from the building and walk your selfish ass to the store.  Don’t take up two spots close to the door.  We all hate you.

10. When is the attorney going to call me back?  I have left him 89 messages, plus call you every 10 minutes.  Could you tell him to call me?  Yes- because it is totally office policy to ignore every message you leave me or my boss until message number 90.  Then we will call you back.

PH

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